Broadside's Opinion Editor Mixes Things Up

By Broadside Opinion Editor Eamonn Rockwell

In the world of low-to-mid-quality college journalism, there are usually two types of editors depending on what kind of school you go to. Type A believes our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ says Support The Troops blah blah blah 9/11 and you’re all wrong for supporting gays or women or Muslims and you’ll burn in hell, you heathenous feminazis. Type B was very lonely in high school, weighs a few hundred pounds and wants us to live in peace and harmony unless you don’t believe that transgender-on-vegetable sex education should be taught to kindergartners and supported with billions of tax dollars that are being wasted on defense spending/Israel/blah blah blah corporations.

I am neither of those people. I’m the type of editor who will set you on fire for no reason at all. When it comes to an opinion section, I feel that opinions and facts should be in the same area, but only to prevent more unnecessary lawsuits that are tearing this nation apart. With too much detail and not enough soul, the paper becomes a listing of boring events that nobody cares about. News, in its most perfect form, is a telling of who did what where and when. Occasionally, you can throw in a why if you want to win a Pulitzer. If I wanted news, I wouldn’t read the opinion section, which should contain people’s beliefs and their flimsy or good reasoning of why they support said belief. The reader, not the editor, should decide how racist or stupid a writer is and whether or not their work is worth reading.

Anyone who has enough balls (or ovaries, I don’t want to get into a big heteronormative thing here) to write for me will be showered in riches and glory that even the pharaohs of Egypt would call extravagant. Chances are that you don’t, which is nothing to be ashamed of. It simply means that you are a sissy, and I will make fun of you accordingly. Opinions are a rare and more important gem that can be discussed and admired, unlike the ugly coal-like necessity that is the common news article, and therefore I will do my best to provide you with brilliant gems that you can pawn for beer money.

I want to make you read Broadside (preferably without using threats), but I don’t want to have to report on actual news and issues in the Mason community that you’re supposed to care about but probably don’t. Instead, I will aim to make the paper readable, and preferably ridiculous. The vast majority of us recognize that a commuter-school newspaper is the equivalent to the interoffice newspaper, in that nobody reads it and it’s usually written by that Carol broad who wears those ugly sweaters and will probably die a virgin when her cats finally eat her. Having said that, the least I can do is try to fill that empty void you feel when you walk onto campus and pick up the paper. If you want to help fill that soul-numbing emotional black hole, just come into the Broadside office during whenever the hell my office hours are and wow me. I have a short attention span and a fondness for garter belts, so I look forward to those of you who are funny and can at least write well or throw wads of cash at me. Good luck.