No Beer Queers: Why Alcohol is No Excuse

By Broadside Sex Columnist Billy Curtis

It has come to my attention in recent days that more and more often, an act is committed that clearly goes unnoticed by the public eye. Many joke about it; some even disbelieve its accusations. I am writing to you today to tell you the truth! A couple years ago, a friend showed me a video on YouTube entitled “Bro Rape.” This video took a great approach to this unheard crime of closeted homosexual frat guys forcing themselves upon others for sexual gains. Bringing promises of beer, GameCube, Jack Johnson and later, after the subject has been seduced or intoxicated, said ‘Bro’ goes in for the kill, possibly with a black dildo. Despite this stereotypical scenario of Bro Rape, there are many other varieties of this horrible crime. In my many years of experience with dating, sex and all of the above, I have come in contact with many closeted frat guys. The things I learned from them have at some points been beneficial to my life and in others have tortured me so.

My first encounter with a CFG was while I was away from college, making money at home for the year. My future roommate, Amy, invited me to her sorority semiformal and I, of course, could not decline the invitation. During the pregame drinking festivities, I was introduced to a man whom I could never have told was questioning himself as well as his sexual preferences. His name was Eric. He was the president of a campus fraternity, and handled himself very well in front of obscure company.

The night continued and after we returned from the formal, the post game drinking festivities began. Around 3 a.m., and about 10 cocktails later, I found myself sitting on the porch with Amy and Eric, smoking cigarettes and enjoying our drunken conversations. Amy fell to the rise of alcohol that night and retired to her room immediately after she attempted to make the cosmopolitan I asked for. The drink she came back with was a brown concoction that I was forced to inquire about.

After she went to bed, I found myself sitting alone on the porch with Eric.

Conversations began and after a very short amount of time, the topic of homosexuality came up, as it often does with closet cases. Moments after our conversation and a brief silence, I was shocked to find Eric’s lips locked with mine. An inebriated hook up session quickly ensued.

After that night, I pursued Eric for a while, which ended with my realization that CFGs will never come out of the closet for you. Stop trying, they blame themselves, tell you it was a mistake and try their best to forget the incident ever happened, leaving the victim of this horrible crime incessantly wondering what happened.

My second experience with a CFG was just this past Halloween. 5-0 was an acquaintance I met in the beginning of the semester. He was a very attractive man, but in my eyes, he was clearly straight. While enjoying the $4 rail drinks and $2 beers of the Nightmare on M Street bar crawl, I ran into him wearing a very tight and clearly homosexual police outfit. By the time I ran into him, I was clearly enjoying my drunken Halloween stupor and ended up spending most of the evening with 5-0, due to him stealing one of my double-fisting beers.

Around midnight or 1 a.m., we climbed into a taxi, stumbled through the metro station, and moronically found our way onto a train that was fortunately headed to our destination. Arriving at the metro was a trip in itself, and the walk to his car was even more entertaining. Drunken make-out sessions interrupted our approach to his car. Something was driving me, forcing me to enjoy this ridiculous charade I knew was just a drunken mistake for the both of us. Although I clearly enjoyed the events that soon followed, as soon as he said he wanted to have sex, I had to slam on the brakes. Not because I didn’t want to—clearly, I did—but because of my current bout of celibacy [Full Disclosure: I made a personal decision to take a vow of celibacy till August 2009, that may be explored in future columns].

Nearly two days later, I received an e-mail on Facebook from 5-0, clearly expressing that he made a horrible drunken mistake; that he was by no means gay and clearly hadn’t come to terms with himself. I knew I would eventually receive this message as it often follows the likely hookups with CFGs.

After this recent stint with 5-0, I began thinking about how often this happens. How often ‘Bros’ take advantage of a homosexual thinking it’s a good way to get their jollies, but when push comes to shove, they chicken out—like a frat guy. Why do guys join fraternities? To buy friends? To entertain themselves with the company of other bros? I think that the majority of fraternity guys join because they want the closeness of a man without getting too close . . . until alcohol takes over and they become the horny adolescent mess of emotions. Bromances are never a good decision. Hiding the truth about who you are and letting it come out when you’re drunk is never beneficial to anyone’s life! It’s obviously a new day where CFGs shouldn’t have to worry; we have a black president now, for Christ’s sake! Stop hiding! Come out of your Abercrombie & Fitch polo-filled closet and join the likes of a better, more real society! This world is a new place where even the closeted frat guys of yesteryear can be accepted!