Auto-Tune Lectures: Vocoding Helps Higher Education

By Broadside Opinion Editor Eamonn Rockwell

Lecture classes are almost always boring. Science has proven this to be fact throughout the ages, ever since Socrates famously fell asleep during one of his professor’s lectures and had to think up an entirely new method of philosophical questioning during the exam. Various methods have been attempted to counteract the mind-numbing dullness of lectures, such as using PowerPoint presentations. Such methods still do not overcome having a professor who is barely audible, making it easier for students to drift off into dreamland. As a result, most college students can’t remember dick even when sober.

But are the students entirely to blame? Probably. But when one is trying to have a life, including, but not limited to; drinking, carousing, brawling, etc., one cannot be blamed for passing out when some old man drones on about vectors while icy Death hovers so close above his shoulder that you can actually see the chilling apparition sharpening its scythe. It is times like these that professors need to grab their students’ attention and get them involved in education, if only to spare themselves from the merciless spectre that haunts us all. This can be solved by auto-tuning the lectures.

Auto-Tune, aka pitch-correction, aka that vocal effect that T-Pain uses all the time is not new, but thanks to T-Pain, it has become pretty much required if you want a Top-40 hit. Other musicians who use Auto-Tune (or effects like it) include Daft Punk, Cher, Zapp and Roger Troutman of Zapp, when he sang on 2Pac’s “California Love." Each one of these artists has spawned thousands of imitators. Why not have professors record the lectures in Auto-Tune and inspire thousands of people, who like the crazy robot voice it gives them, to contribute to intellectual discussions?

Some say this may cheapen the intellectual integrity of our college. This is irrelevant as George Mason University, to the best of my knowledge, does not have integrity. Others will argue that the Auto-Tune bandwagon may be falling apart soon, and that we shouldn’t invest money in something that’s just going to sound stupid in six months. These are arguments that I don’t care for and won’t respond to.

Furthermore, there’s no chance in hell you can pass out in a lecture if your professor sounds like T-Pain, especially after consuming enough horse tranquilizers to cancel next year’s Triple Crown. Through my own experimentation, I’ve determined that it’s impossible.

Mason’s got money and it knows it, and it should be able to go so far as to take it out of its pocket and show it and throw it. The boss (Mason) has cash flow and can use it to go hard. I can’t believe it. “It” being the notion that we shouldn’t auto-tune lectures, and arguments against that notion are starting to sound like a bunch of karaoke. Auto-tuning lectures will lead Mason to the good life, with enough money left over to buy you a drank. If Mason refuses to auto-tune lectures, then we’ve officially been chopped and screwed.