In Bed with Billy: Getting Through the Dry Spell

By Billy Curtis, Sex Columnist

When you’re as dumb as I am, sometimes bad things happen. Like losing your USB card with everything you’ve ever written on it, or making a vow to yourself to give your born-again virginity to someone you care about in a world where promiscuity runs rampant, and marriage is the non-socially accepted option—because you’re gay.

I’m just kidding. Regardless though, finding something to occupy yourself in the meantime can be a bit easier than finding someone.

For obvious reasons, my sex life has been drier than the Sahara desert, so alternate options needed to be utilized. What other options are there when you can’t have sex, do you ask?

Well I mean, there are many other options to sex, like oral sex, and foreplay (a dying art) and, clearly, masturbation.

Unfortunately the only one I have really been able to do is masturbation, as finding someone legit to date has deemed itself a harder task than finding the missing magic piece of this golden amulet, or the Holy Grail.

No matter how many people say they don’t do it, I’m quite sure they do. It’s almost as if it were an innate behavior that becomes familiar to us once we hit puberty.

Everyone remembers their first time, the first time someone walked in on them doing it, or the first time they may have done it with another person.

Unfortunately, if you’re looking for something more than just a crazy hook-up in a world where hooking up is basically your only option, masturbation is a great method of keeping your brain aligned with the goals you have for your body.

Masturbation can come in a variety of forms. There is always the self-method, you know, masturbating alone.

I’ve always been a fan of using my imagination to spark sexual desires—I’ve never been much of a pornography person.

Many other people, on the other hand, love to use videos of other people having sex, doing the strange positions that everyone loves—like the frequently used 69 position.

My first time in a pornography shop was quite the experience.

My friend Jessica had started working in one of these shops, and upon my first visit, I was extremely shocked at the different varieties of sexual fetishes that people have.

Midgets with MILFs, sex along with some golden showers, or maybe even something like “Two Girls One Cup” . . . I mean, if you’re into that kind of thing.

Another useful option to make masturbation more interesting is toys.

Women and some gay men happen to love using toys to get them off during the dry spell—I am not one of those people.

While at a birthday dinner for my friend Amy, I was air-hustling (eavesdropping) on a conversation that was going on between my friend Wolfie and Tony.

“I just ordered this new paperweight,” Wolfie said with such enthusiasm that I had to inquire why he would be so excited. Come on, a paperweight?

I’ve been more excited about watching CNN. They explained that “paperweight” was just a pseudonym to disguise the conversation that clearly wasn’t suitable for a birthday dinner—unless you’re my friends.

Lily Tomlin once said, “We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.”

The obviously tried and true method of using your hands has always been prominent in both the male and female communities.

After all, you and you alone know exactly what you want and need to get you off.

Therefore, if you want it done right, or even done quickly, the hand is always your best option, because sometimes five fingers can be a lot better than one penis, especially if that penis is small.

Masturbation is normal and healthy. It’s even been proven to be extremely healthy for men to masturbate as it helps prevent prostate disease.

Trust me, if you do it, God really isn’t going to murder a kitten somewhere, unless you’re the kitten that got ran over by one of my co-workers this morning—maybe she masturbated and God saw it.

I would say that the most harmful aspect of masturbation is the religious connotations against it and the anxiety that can come to those who feel guilty about doing it.

Just remember that no matter what people tell you, you’re really not doing anything wrong.

There are many options for entertaining yourself during a dry spell; whether it’s for reasons like mine, or because you’re just between partners.

So no matter what your method of choice for releasing your “sexual eruptions” may be, just remember that you’re not committing a crime—you’re just doing the act that has gotten me through the past two months, and will hopefully continue to do so until I find someone important enough to me to give my born-again virginity to.

Just make sure you do what you need to do in order to get yourself through your own personal dry spell, pray to God that it will end soon and hope that your dry desert will soon be soaked with whatever it is you’re looking for.