Change is A-Comin'

By Broadside Sex Columnist Billy Curtis

Andy Warhol once said, “They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” We go through our lives constantly changing from the person we were at birth to whatever type of person we will be in the future. Sometimes our changes are beneficial—other times, maybe not so much. But regardless, change is inevitable.

In a past issue—Volume 80 Issue 21—there was a disclosure statement that declared my current celibacy. I felt that some explanation was necessary. With a term length of exactly one year—ending on August 27, 2009—I swore to myself that I would refrain from having sex or engage in masturbation. Many guys have sympathized with my situation. I’ve gotten many commendations of respect and admiration as many people I know say that they could never complete such a task. While I will admit, I have had my temptations—and ignored them—I have never done something that has made such a profound effect on my life as well as the world around me.

The spring of 2008 began like every other, the warm weather that swept in brought the flowers of May, the swampland humidity had completely devoured the Northern Virginia area, and my semester from hell that year was finally over. After several emotionally devastating break ups with a man I will solely refer to as “Mr. Madison,” I decided that maybe the best option would be to return to New Jersey for the summer to have a heavenly hiatus from all the stress and drama that this situation with Mr. Madison caused. It turned out to be a horrible decision. After contracting more STDs than Ron Jeremy (luckily, all curable), and losing my job as well, I ended the summer with no improvements, no corrections; all I had to show for my time in New Jersey was the shame and disgust of what I had done to myself.

When I returned, the problems continued to get worse, and after finding out that Mr. Madison had waited around for me in the hopes that I had changed—after everything we put each other through—he still loved me and wanted to be with me, until he found out what I did over the summer. After that, he could not stand the sight of me. I couldn’t stand the sight of me either! I felt defiled, self-mutilated and cursed by my own making.

This perpetually masochistic process continued until just this past January, a few days before my birthday. The moment when I finally reached my breaking point and told Mr. Madison that we couldn’t be friends; that time and silence would be best between us until the things we had both done to each other could finally be healed. I haven’t spoken to him since, and still think about him every day. Through this experience with Mr. Madison, I learned so many things, but most of all, I learned that my way of dealing with a break up was so detrimentally damaging to my life. If I didn’t change my ways, I would most likely end up dead—or something to that effect. So I decided to change things. If I couldn’t control my sexual behaviors for whatever reasoning I had, then I would stop doing it all together. A year of atonement, reparations to those I hurt—most importantly, myself.

While my celibacy continued, my new set of beliefs were constantly reinforced, but no event hit me as hard as the wedding of one of my closest friends just this past weekend. I had known her since my freshman year of high school; we were both students from the school of hard knocks and were therefore not privy to the thought of marriage or relationships. From the day I heard the sentence, “Billy, he is the one!” two years ago, I never really believed it, but I was most definitely proved wrong in my assumptions. Seeing her in all her beauty that day instilled in me the belief that even people like us have a chance at happiness and that love can conquer all—if you allow it to do so.

There are times when change is necessary, times when distance is needed to heal an open wound, and times when you have to realize that there is something better out there for you. It took me seeing the pain I caused one person for me to realize that there was something about my life I needed to change. I can’t say I am happy about the situation but now I can say that I am making the change to better myself, and that is the best feeling in the world. I’ve learned that no matter what the experience; every day, every event is a lesson and whether or not they are good or bad—I need to learn and grow from them.

I’ve lasted over eight months. When August 27 does roll around, unfortunately, if I don’t have a boyfriend, it looks like I’ll be waiting longer than a year! But if I just found some random person on that night, the whole year would be wasted and I would have learned nothing. I have to remember that I now have the control to care for myself, and my “born-again” virginity will only go to the person who truly captures my heart.

Maybe it is better that we experience these lessons, maybe it’s better to risk it all rather than play it safe, and just maybe the change you see will bring you one step closer to the person you are meant to be with. You may be wondering why I was so willing to tell you this story, and the answer to this question is that I don’t want any of you making this mistake. I don’t want you becoming the person I was, and eventually having to make the change I am going through now. So take this as an example of what not to do when searching for love, and continue to be sure that every change you make is a beneficial one. This summer should be interesting . . .